i read over my journal entries.
 
i feel stupid.

letting those girls affect me that way.

when now, im with the most amazing woman ever.

i thought no one could compare to them

but i was so wrong.

im actually in love this time.

instead of raging hormone infatuation.


jesus

im back.
i think.
i want to be.
ill try.
life has been complicated.
my heart is shattered.
its hard to care.

guess ive been to busy for this.
so update?

im over penguin. but were friends. good friends.
im over zombie. -tho she isnt over me, which makes our friendship complicated

im not over chicken nugget.
shes why i have written in awhile, been to busy with her.
and now that shes gone, i cant handle it.
i took her for granted.
and im so stupid to think that i wanted someone else more than her.
i guess thats what infatuation does to you?
its true, you really dont know what you have till its gone.
im waiting for her right now to be over, so i can have her in my arms again.
i planned for her.

she likes me for me,
shes the one for me,
and i just cant live without her,
my arms belong around her,
and im so glad i found her once again

this is what my girlfriend wrote about me.
ahhhhhh.
=]



I can't stop thinking about her... Even when it's only been a few hours since I last talked to her or saw her. She's like an obsession-or maybe it's more like an addiction. I think addiction is more the appropriate term. She's always on my mind and when I can't see her it's torture. I'm starting to feel like a junkie in desperate need of a fix.


It's not logical, I know that. Or at least the logical part of my brain knows that. It's the rest of my brain that doesn't agree. And probably the most important of all, my heart doesn't agree... I'm falling for this girl, and I'm falling fast. There's not a damn thing that I can do about it, and even if there was I don't think I would do it... She's sweet and cute and caring, and she calls me beautiful. She's absolutely amazing... And she thinks the same of me, although I couldn't for the life of me tell you why. They say you are your own worst enemy. If that's the case, then the rest of my enemies should never worry me. lol. Anyway, back to the task at hand... My A.D.D mixed with a lack of sleep is starting to get to me. I think I'm in trouble, though I think this time it's a good kind of trouble... Like 'Baby you're the right kinda wrong' kinda trouble. She told me tonight that she's going to fall for me, that she's already started to. I thought my eyes were going to pop out of my head. Sometimes it's like we are on the same wavelength- she understands me and gets all my little idiosyncrases. It's nice to have someone like that in my life. Granted there's the whole age difference thing, but she SO doesn't act her age... Besides, we have always said that age is nothing but a number. It's the person inside that counts. And inside that lil 16 year old there's this wonderful, smart, sensitive person that seems way closer to my age... Hell, we'll even clarify and say my mental age... Because we all know that I so don't act my age... You know it's bad when your mom is like 'yea, you have always been going on 30 or so. You've never acted your age.' Kinda sad huh?


I don't know. There's just so much going on right now. All these emotions swirling around just below the surface. Though if truth be told it's not that far under the surface. You only have to look to see everything I'm thinking and feeling. I suppose I've just been waiting for the right person to come along who can see what's going on underneath and deal with it accordingly. Someone who can talk to me and know what's on my mind, who understands why I just want to be held. Someone that gets me. Wow, that sounds awful vague. Even to my sleep deprived mind. But there you go. Can we tell my filter doesn't work at this hour? lol. So I want someone who fulfills these requirements. And I think I found her. I thought Cupid liked to have target practice in the Spring. I guess he's starting early this year.... She's everything I've ever looked for, and then some. Every time I think about her, I can't stop smiling. Her name's Amanda, and I'm pretty sure I'm a small slippery step away from falling head over heels in love with her.

im saving the good songs for someone who is worth them.

i thought it was you.
at one point maybe you thought it was you too
but like i say,
the truth can change,
and in this situation it did.
i know you miss me,
you told me
and that fact alone keeps me moving
giving you something to miss
i cant wait for the day when im over you,
but then again that day may never come,
it hasnt come for her yet,
and i barley talk to her anymore
cuz of her stupid gf.

oh well

The hold this girl has on me is unnatural.
We spent fourteen days together,
and now she's gone,
and I can't stop thinking about her.
No one has ever meant this much to me,
and I have never spent so little time with someone,
just to have it vanish.
It is ridiculous the way this girl makes me feel,
and the funny part is,,
she has no idea what she's doing to me.

we are both unhappy with who were with.
we both do the akward silence thing during certain parts of our convo.
you say you want to be yourself,
and i want you to be happy,
i cant help but hope you will let me be the hapiness in you
i cant help but want you.
i miss you so much.

so its been a year today since you told me about you.
a year.
in  7 days it will be your birthday
in 11 days it will be a year since you first kissed me.
a whole year,
and i still love you.
i just want to see you.
----------------------------------
i keep listening to all these songs,
every one of them makes me have like this dull ache inside me,
i shouldnt feel this way
it was only 2 weeks,
2 amazing weeks
2 life changing weeks,
and i saw you today, but she was drivin too fast
i hung up on my gf cuz i couldnt think,
i have a feelin its always goin to be that way,

reading what you wrote about him kills me.

that could of been, should of been, almost was, me.

i like to believe im expert at heart break, 
knowing what to expect with it and what not,


but i dont think anything as ever hurt this bad, 


theres only one thing that comes to mind that compares to this, 
and the sad thing is, its not a death


ill give you 3 guesses on what who it is, 
and the 1st 2 dont count